Coffee With David

I am depressed and frustrated and madder than hell right now. In my last blog entry, I had written that my life had fallen out of balance with my parent’s health having taken a downturn. On the good side, she is improving. On the bad side, I have just cancelled all my reservations to the PNWA Conference. I have worked my tail off trying to prepare at least one novel to pitch and all of that effort has gone up in smoke.

I know she didn’t plan this. What frustrates me the most is that she has no interest in my writing and considers it (and all writing) to be frivolous. Growing up, she wasn’t the only one who felt that way. I can still hear my father say on a backpacking trip in 1989 say “my son thinks he’s a writer.” He did read, but had no interest in my writing. They both wanted me to be some corporate pin, as if that is the answer to life.

No, it is not! In the corporate world, I am nothing but a pawn. In my writing I can create and explore and touch the minds and hearts of others. I have the talent, that is not a brag or anything. I do not think I am the best, but it is there and I can do so much more.

In 2000 I had an opportunity that I turned down. I know it was for the best. When I look back at that story, it was clearly not ready to see the light of day. Along with the divorce that would follow and other events, it was the best decision I could have made. Yet, I look back and wonder what could have been. I feel like some hack, some want-to-be, some fool hardy Don Quixote who is jousting the windmills of dreams only to be slapped back by the windmill vane. Maybe I am a fool who doesn’t know when to stop. I can’t help but write any more than you can help but breathe. There is no giving up—I just don’t know anymore if I am a dreamer or some sick Captain Ahab determined to find his death chasing something best left alone. With faint hope and knowledge that, despite the level of opportunity the PNWA conference would have given, the world has not ended. All I can do is look to the next big conference (Writers Digest Writers Conference in January) and pray I can attend and send out queries.

www.davidalanlucas.com